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The Tattoo
DIDJA EVER ACT TOO RASH AND REGRET IT LATER?
WELL, LISTEN TO THIS STORY ‘ BOUT A FRIEND OF MINE.
HE WAS IN LOVE WITH A GIRL NAMED SHIRLEY.
AND WHEN I SAY “IN LOVE” I MEAN SURELY.
HE THOUGHT SHE WAS THE TOP OF THE LINE.
LOVE-STRUCK, HE WENT TO A BODY ILLUSTRATOR
(A TATTOO PARLOUR TO YOU AND TO ME.)
HE HAD HER NAME TATTOOED IN A HEART ON HIS ARM
BUT WHEN HE GOT HOME SHIRLEY WAS GONE.
HE STOOD AND THOUGHT A VERY LONG TIME.
THEN HE WENT FOR A BEER FROM THE REFRIGERATGOR
BUT SHE’D CLEANED IT OUT AND AS HE FOUND OUT LATER
SHE DID ALL THAT SHE COULD HER WHOLE LIFE THROUGH
TO MAKE HIM MISERABLE, OO-OO.
SHE WAS ALWAYS PERSTERING HIM
SHE HAD HIM ON ALIMONY AND CHILD-SUPPORT
AND THEY DIDN’T EVEN HAVE ANY KIDS.
AND THE TATTOO SAID “SHIRLEY”
THE TATTOO SAID “SHIRLEY”
AND WHAT DID IT REMIND HIM OF?
DAYS ON FIRE WITH HIS HEART’S DESIRE
AND NIGHTS OF B-B-B-BURNIN’ LOVE? UH-UH!
SHE WAS ALWAYS ON HIM TO HAUNT HIM AND TAUNT HIM
AND GENERALLY CAUSE HIM STRIFE.
THE TATTOO THAT SAID “SHIRLEY”
HE ACQUIRED TOO EARLY
AND RUED IT THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
IT WOULDN’T COME OFF. IT WOULDN’T COME OFF
TRY AS HARD AS HE COULD.
HE USED AJAX AND BRILLO, A STUFFED ARMADILLO
AND SANDPAPER STRETCHED OVER WOOD.
HE DECIDED TO TRY TO SOAK IT IN LYE
AND THEN, AS IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH,
HE ENCASED IT IN PLASTER BUT WHAT A DISASTER
CUZ THERE, WHEN THE PLASTER CAME OFF,
THE TATTOO SAID “SHIRLEY”
THE TATTOO SAID “SHIRLEY”
AND WHAT DID IT REMIND HIM OF?
DAYS ON FIRE WITH HIS HEART’S DESIRE
AND NIGHTS OF B-B-B-BURNIN’ LOVE? NO WAY!
SHE WAS ALWAYS ON HIM TO HAUNT HIM AND TAUNT HIM
AND GENERALLY CAUSE HIM STRIFE.
THE TATTOO THAT SAID “SHIRLEY”
HE ACQUIRED TOO EARLY
AND RUED IT THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
THEN ONE DAY SHIRLEY STOPPED BUGGIN’ HIM
AND HE FOUND OUT LATER SHE’D FALLEN IN LOVE.
AND, AS WE’LL SOON DISCOVER, SHE AND HER LOVER
WERE TIGHT AS TWO HANDS IN ONE GLOVE.
IN A LOVESCK MOOD SHE HAD HIS NAME TATTOOED ON HER BUTT.
SHE WAS REALLY IN VOGUE.
BUT, WHEN SHE GOT HOME, THERE WAS NO SIGN OF RAMON.
THAT’S RAMON, WITH AN “R”, LIKE IN “ROGUE”.
ANE THE TATTOO SAID “RAMON”
THE TATTOO SAID “RAMON”
AND WHAT DID IT REMIND HER OF?
DAYS ON FIRE WITH HER HEART’S DESIRE
AND NIGHTS OF B-B-B-BURNIN’ LOVE? NO WAY!
THAT FLASH-IN-THER-PAN LEFT HIS NAME ON HER CAN
AND SHE GNASHED HER TEETH ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT.
THE TATTOO THAT SAID “RAMON”
SHE WISHED SHE HAD POSTPONED
AT LEAST IT WAS OUT OF HER SIGHT.
WELL, WHEN MY FRIEND HEARD THAT STORY, YOU’D THINK IT WOULD’VE GIVEN HIM SOME COMFORT, BUT HE JUST GAVE A MATTER-OF-FACT “HMPH!” AND HIS ATTENTION WENT BACK TO HIS ARM ON WHICH THAT TATTOO HAD ACQUIRED A PERSONALITY ALL ITS OWN … A PERSONALITY SO RELENTLESS AND SO REPUGNANT THAT HE WOULDN’T QUIT UNTIL HE WAS RID OF IT.
HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF E-MAILING SOME PLASTIC SURGEONS HE’D FOUND ON ANGIE’S LIST WHEN THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
IT WAS HIS CUTE LITTLE DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR, WHO LIVED ALL ALONE.
AND HIS NEIGHBOR SAID, “HENRY”,
HIS NEIGHBOR SAID, “HENRY,
WHAT’RE YOU GETTING’ PLENTY OF?
DAYS ON FIRE WITH YOUR HEART’S DESIRE
AND NIGHTS OF B-B-B-BURNIN’ LOVE? NOT YOU!
THAT STUPID TATTOO HAS PUT THE WHAMMY ON YOU.”
THEN HE SAW THE NAME, “DAVE” ON HER SKIN.
THEY QUENCHED THEIR DESIRES
AND SOON BOTH OF THEIR PRIORS
NEVER WERE MENTIONED AGAIN.